Boys for Beginners

A guide for those guys who feel they are the minority in the minority

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A good type of jealousy?

So, I’ve been asked by a friend if there is a good type of jealousy. The answer is quite simply no. Jealousy is a bad emotion to have in a relationship and in general. It’s usually not generated by external causes. It’s there lurking, trying to get hold of us.

Most of the time jealousy is generated by lack of trust and/or lack of confidence but does a situation exist where feeling a bit of jealousy is unavoidable? I thought about it for a while and the only event that popped to mind was the following: you were dumped by somebody for a certain reason and that guy afterwards went out with somebody very similar to you (including sporting the reason you were dumped for).

That was my instance of jealousy, and yet it wasn’t immediate. My ex told me he was seeing this guy and I was fine, but when after months of terrible dating they split up I thought “He should have sticked with me”; which is both petty and quite selfish.

I was told by a guy I dated that he felt the same towards me. And for me him and the other guy were completely different, so I guess a hint of jealousy is unavoidable when it comes to the guys that follows us with our loved ones, which doesn’t mean it’s good, it only means that it’s ok.

Filed under jealousy

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Gossip Boys

Confession first. Gossiping is fun and I enjoy it. Finding out who’s getting with whom, what bad thing someone you dislike did, it’s a natural urge. It represent the simplest and most innate  curiosity that humans have: knowing secrets. But as with everything I like facts. I’ve never been interested in celebrity gossip because those people don’t matter in my life. I’ve been gossiped about and when people said that they’ve heard many things about me I say that it’s all true. Who cares if it is or not, if people believe horrible things about you then you shouldn’t wish them in your life.


Yesterday my enjoyment of gossip suddenly plummeted. The ex that I mentioned in the post The EX factor accused me of spreading vicious rumors about him. Apparently a mutual “friend” told him that in confidence. I was completely dumbfounded. Why would I be spreading rumors? Why now after we have been nothing but friends for the last 8 months? I explained the situation. He said that he believed me. But it didn’t want to tell who said this because it would be betraying this person’s trust.


You can imagine how furious I am. There’s someone I hang out with that gets his kicks by inventing stories to ruin friendships and creating useless drama. My ex and I are friends but not close enough to be problematic in anyway to anybody. I kept thinking, why? Why? Why? I don’t have an answer. I guess I should always remember that there are stupid people out there…

Filed under Gossip gay men

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Putting yourself out there.

So few weeks ago, I realised that I have a bit of an infatuation for a friend. He’s become a close friend lately, and we have been chatting a lot. The situation is a bit complicated on his part. But this post is not about whether or not something will happen between us, it’s about owning up to your feeling in the hope of getting what your heart desire.

I will give a pre- and a post- talk analysis of what I felt at the time, and I’ll draw some conclusion.

 

PRE-coffee

I’m convinced that the best course of action for me is to tell him. I think there’s a pretty slim chance that he feels what I feel for him, but a relationship is not the reason why I want to tell him. I need to be honest with him. That’s the only way we can be friends in the long run.

POST-coffee

Well, I feel relieved. I said things how they were and he turned me down as I expected. He was a gentleman. He told me to feel free to bring this back up again whenever I feel the urge to talk to him. It was the right call.

The final thought is this: putting yourself out there is scary but it’s the only way to make your happiness happen. If there had been a chance of me and him getting together it would have happen only if I had told him my feelings. It’s time to go out and get what you want. 

Filed under Courage Gay relationships

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The skin I live in.

A friend made a curious point the other day. He mentioned how my attitude towards fitness might make some of my friends and some of the younger people I know feel uncomfortable about their body. I felt that he forgot the probably greater impact of societal expectation on gay men, but if he was right what should I do to “fix it”?

I don’t go around telling people that if they are unfit they are worthless, I’m the organiser of a running group in west London and I make sure that everyone enjoys the weekly jog without the pressure to be the fastest. Fitness for me is about my well-being. I work out for myself, being more attractive that way (to some people) is just a nice consequence.

So, I want to state here clearly the way I feel about myself and my body. Sincerity is always the best option. You’ll see that there’s plenty of madness in me, but hopefully there’s method too and it will be clear we all struggle with matching expectations and reality.

Read more …

Filed under Confession Fitness

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Dodos and Statistics

Felix, the lovely co-writer of this blog, made an interesting point the other night: when it comes to relationships my spirit animal is the Dodo. According to him every person I date and ends up breaking up with me shows significant points in common with the human-unaware dodo running to the sailors who were going to eat it.

So, this led me to make a summary of the last year and a half of my love life trying to figure out if there is some truth about it. My general date is a slightly younger, slightly taller caucasian male from a middle class family with a master degree.

Felix is convinced that in the description of the average date there’s the key to my lack of very long term relationships. He says that they are all intimidated by me and they have deep issues about self-esteem. While I can appreciate the flattery of being intimidating, I find it quite ridiculous that all the people have some rooted issues and can’t deal with me.

I actually believe they have some commitment issue, of all the people I’ve dated in the last year and a half only 1 out of 5 is in a long term relationship (and it’s not a happy one… but that’s a discussion for another post).

I sometimes feel that I’m the only one who’s single within my friend’s group, but I need evidence to prove if my brain is crazy or not. I took my facebook friends and assumed they are a statistically significant example of my dating pool:


I have 156 gay or bisexual male friends on facebook. Of them 100 (64%) are single and 56 (36%) are in relationships, of which only 16 people are in a recent relationship (< 6 months). I have no specific point to make using this data. We need to use statistics as illumination not support, and what I get from this is that being single is the more likely state in my extended circle. I need to remember this next time I feel the single one out.  

Now, it would be interesting to see how this number varies with the summer approaching and the hormones spiralling out of control.

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Meeting the parents.

One of my closest friends is going to meet his boyfriend parents soon, and out of various conversation on how he can make a good impression, I felt inspired enough to write a little post about it.

Meeting the parents is an important event but it shouldn’t be considered a pivotal step, it’s not going to be a defining moment for you two. In the 21st Century society, I’d like to think, that meeting the family of your boyfriend is like meeting his closest friends you want to make a good impression but it won’t be the end of the world if they don’t fall in love with you. Ultimately, they know you care about him and they want to know more about you. And it’s mutually beneficial, learning about the family gives a insight in who your partner was when he was growing up.

So, how do you go and meet them? Ideally avoid big family events (weddings and parties); dinners or lunch are great, you want them to know you in a relaxed environment. Better deal with a handful of strangers than feeling the eyes of an entire clan on yourself.

Don’t force yourself to make an impression, be calm and polite. Be affectionate and thoughtful with your partner but just as you would normally be. Ask them about their jobs and hobbies, and try and be sincerely interested in them. Make sure that your partner knows that he will have to orchestrate, somewhat,  the conversation.

The last advice is to approach the parents as you were going on a “date” with them. Be charming and let them have a great night. The recipe for success is all there.  

Filed under Meeting the parents Gay relationships

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Need for attention - Scouting in the looker room.

Disclaimer: this article is not about cruising. Let’s say it’s about window shopping. ;)

So, I’m a big perv when it comes to the changing room in the gym. My friends thinks it’s because I’m always horny and I’m always on the hunt, but that’s not the main reason behind by wandering eyes. I love the male body and I’m just curious about it. I don’t just perv on the Adonis and Apollos, I look at everybody! But undoubtedly, there are those specimens which you have to take your time in observing… like a good naturalist catching the glimpse of a rare bird.

I obviously check out my friends too. And while they happily continue to change in front of me, I get a regular stream of groans and huffs whenever I make comments. The comments are positive, generally flirty with a bit of teasing. Nothing crass, usually. I don’t just go: “Hey! Nice cock! “

I suspected that a part of them appreciated my compliments (even when they were too direct), but their constant bemoaning of my carefree mediterranean attitude in a “formal” British changing room kept me second guessing if sometimes I was going too far. But then in a matter of few days I had confirmation that what I did, 
actually made them feel really good. One of them told me that the only reason why he doesn’t use the closed cubicle when I’m around because he likes knowing that I’m looking. Another one complained that I didn’t make any comment on him (I was in a rush that day) and a third one just plainly stated that he loves being checked out.

Read more …

Filed under confidence attention changing rooms

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The less honourable man

So, I had a brand new bad dating experience, which could go in the annals of bad dating. I met a perfectly nice guy and I enjoyed few dates with him (7 over the space of 3 weeks). Not everything seemed perfect, and while he had lots of good things going for him he was not exactly my ideal match. Nevertheless, I felt that he was worth a shot.

Everything went bad quite unexpectedly. I ran a race with my friends and we were out for dinner celebrating. He called me and he dumped me on the spot. He uttered the traditional overused vague lines. I had never been dumped over the phone before. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to reply apart the fact that he had been an horrible person. I hung up.

He texted me apologising and begged me to understand him. Luckily my friends help me retain a bit of control (well one of them wanted me to text him “Eat shit and die”) and I reply that I felt really disrespected. He replied again apologising and said we were going to have coffee soon so he could explain himself.

My text is exactly what I felt and keep feeling when I think about it. It’s just disrespectful. If you’ve gone out with a person for a few dates, you tell them in person. No excuses. Otherwise, you’re just sad and pathetic. He’s not got in contact with me about the coffee (and I doubt he ever will), so my way to close this brief interval is to write a post. Remember that there are good break-ups and bad break-ups, and if you want to be a good person you know which one to pick.

Regarding this guy, I can only say good riddance. I really hope nobody treats him like he did treat me. And I don’t mind being single: there’s plenty more crazy people for me to date. ;)


Filed under gay dating break-up

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Gay bars and clubs DOs and DON’Ts

I’ve got an anonymous request about this and I’m not too sure there’s much more to say than just “be a good person” and “treat everybody as you’d want to be treated”. Nevertheless I put together a short list. If you guys have more suggestions, please do let me know.  

DO:
Smile - show that you are interested even if you don’t have the courage to approach

Get a wingman - if you have a chatty friend, have them help you get talking

Take a chance - the worst they can say is not interested.

Share a few rounds - Always offer to buy him a drink

DON’T

Don’t be bitter - if someone turns you down, smile and still wish them a good night

Don’t be rude - if someone you are not interested in approaches you, turn him down gently.

Don’t force yourself to be funny - if you can get him to laugh good but you don’t want it to be forced.

Don’t jump from one boy to the other - give people a chance.

Don’t use pick-up lines - seriously, just be yourself.

 

Filed under Gay bars Tips